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| 11:21pm 04/11/2004 |
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So, I just spent a good part of last night in good ol' San Francisco jail, along with Kathleen and another guy. We went to the anti-war/anti-Bush demonstration in SF, which was great - hundreds of people showed up and everyone was motivated. Depressed, defeated, but ready to do something about it. However, it was really regulated, not spontaneous at all, and bordered by police and people corralling us in. Met some awesome people there and learned a lot of interesting things. So we walked all the way up Market to Mission, our designated "finish point", where we stopped and people proceded to burn a paper/cardboard effigy of our dear president, to the chorus of many cheers. The police called the fire department, who arrived at the scene and just laughed because all there was was a pile of charred boxes and some smouldering papers. They sprayed some water and left.
Then people branched out into separate groups, and we went with the bigger crowd - probably nearly 100 or so. We marched through the streets, ran red lights, blocked traffic, etc. but the amazing point was that all the people in cars that honked at us were making peace signs or thumbs up, and everyone cheered us on. It felt great, even people in their apartments hung out their windows and yelled their support.
We went down some side street and the police trailed us, probably about fifty officers, all in riot gear with night sticks brandished, basically looking for a riot or any sort of trouble. They blocked us off and encircled us, we stood around for a while glaring at each other, and then they let us carry on. Completely pointless.
THEN, we were back on Market and the same series of events happened, but nobody was allowed out and we heard the call that they were going to arrest every single one of us inside their circle. (They had us bakced against a building wall) They used "pain compliance" on two guys - which is when they grab them by the jaw bone and yank them up from the ground, the pain so intense that many pass out and then can be easily thrown into the van. This was ridiculous and completely uncalled-for, since all we did was walk peacefully, making a statement, exercising our right to assemble and speak freely. Even the photographers and legal observers were arrested! This had never happened to the legal observers before. So my arresting officer struts over and asks me with a smile on his face, "so are you ready to go to jail now?" Not particularly, no... Anyway, we all got arrested under the charge of "unlawful assembly" and spent the next five hours in a cell. My shoulders and wrists were killing from the handcuffs and it was a huge inconvenience, but the charges will most likely be dropped. All we have to do is show up for the court date.
So, I got home at five something this morning and my bed has never felt so luxurious. (We had earlier that night talked about how at least there are cockroaches in some jail cells, proving that some sort of life can persist in those desolate and disgusting rooms.) We ended up giving two girls from Texas a ride home, who moved out here to escape. I don't blame them.
Now I want to find my mug shot. It was an interesting experience, one I'll never forget, but I don't wanna spend any more time in one of those god-awful cells. However, I will definitely be there on January 20th for the inauguration day march. We'll show the fuckers. muahahahaha. And then we'll be drafted. Shit. |
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| i wrote this in italy over summer and just came across it again |
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| 01:36am 18/05/2004 |
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mood:  indifferent music: elton john - mona lisas and mad hatters
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so every night i would sit out on the balcony alone until early morning, unable to sleep, looking across the bay of naples at mt vesuvius' haunting profile just visible from the dull lights of the city of naples. it was magical. i wrote this on the last night.
Vesuvio
The mountain looks like an anthill in the dusk, its magic well concealed within the molten rock beneath. Where the depths once rumbled with violence, they now ring with impenetrable silence. I find myself doubting the immense power boiling in the blood bath below, forgetting that the fire spreads wider each day. With this knowledge the lights of civilization slowly fade into the darkness and reemerge with a new energy, throbbing with the surges of the bay nearby. I realize they are moving, but they have become one entity – one slithering, glowing body. My eyes fill with salt as the lava drifts past the ruins of years gone by, awakened from their eternal hibernation and exposed to the garish light. Secrets long-kept have been spilled into undeserving hands, treasures robbed by greedy fingers, never to be returned to their noble homes. Statues that once embraced the sky with their graceful arms are doomed to life in prison, shamed by the concrete and glass that confines their splendor. Their sculptors perished long ago under the gray clouds, desperately trying to fill their lungs with air, only to find that there was nothing left but the poison that seeped into their veins. They were doomed to die in the midst of their own splendor, and were suffocated together with their temples and extravagant gardens, the grandeur faded into ruin. What lies buried has forever remained unchanged, fit only for the worthiest eyes and the sturdiest hearts, for the mountain profile is still haunting, and its ruins tell no lies. |
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| 05:49pm 17/05/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: neutral milk hotel - the king of carrot flowers
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They were having a sort of 20 questions conversation, a ‘let me suss you out and get inside your head’ kind of deal (which pleased the girl very much because she had always considered the boy somewhat of an enigma and desperately wanted to get inside his head), when the boy casually asked the girl, or as casually as you can when asking such a loaded question:
“What is your biggest fear in life?”
The girl, after pausing to reflect for a moment, and after realizing she had many fears (but who doesn’t), slowly answered – or more like slowly clawed her way through a muddled explanation.
“For me it’s a fear of being confined - not in a physical sense, but in a way that’s more difficult to define. I guess I never want to lose that drive to push myself to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve noticed that people will put more energy into running away from something that scares them than they will put into running after something they want. I never want to let myself down because I’m scared to run after something, and I never want to fall into that rut of familiar routine and become suffocated by habit. It seems like people live the last half of their lives continuing the habits they established for themselves during the first half.
I never want to feel satisfied. I want to feel happy, content, but not satisfied – it implies that there is nothing left, that you have settled into your little cushiony existence and no longer feel the need to explore. People always have the tendency to do that. To nestle down and hide from the larger world, protect themselves by putting up a screen and focusing on the microcosm that it encircles: daily life, petty worries, local drama and bitchy gossip.
Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Ha. Maybe I’m striving for the impossible. But what’s new. (And isn’t it great when you do the ‘impossible’ after everyone has laughed in your face?). Maybe I’m just an ignorant, naïve young girl who has no idea what it’s like to be old and weary, or what new worries and thoughts go through your head when you’ve reached the age of responsibility and reason. Maybe I should stop putting a romantic spin on life and face up to reality. Perhaps what I want never happens, even to those vivid dreamers with the strongest wills. But somehow I don’t think so.
Let me phrase it a different way. It seems a shame to one day arrive at the point where you suddenly find yourself jaded by the mystery of the world. Remember when you were little and everything you saw filled you with a sense of wonder and astonishment? It felt like you were standing on the tree tops, stretching to admire the panoramic view that surrounded you. But with every passing year you slip lower and lower down that tree to nestle into the sturdy branches with their protective leaves, and eventually you find yourself curled up in a ball on the forest floor in a mattress of soft foliage. When you reach this point you never want to clamber back up that fragile, perilous tree and you have no interest in re-discovering what it feels like to push yourself to the very edge of thought and existence. You run the risk of becoming one of those people chattering away and competing to be heard against the television, stuffing your face with delicacies, whoring yourself to your superiors and all the while thinking “isn’t life a ball?” when you haven’t even seen the half of it.
And when you do decide to look up at those tree tops again some day, the people you see up there are “troublemakers” and “deviants”, clearly wasting their lives away chasing after foolish nonsense, for what else could they be doing up there? Surely not living; surely not grasping for their own lot in life – their own passion and fulfillment. Surely not – why would they take the risk of falling from such heights? But such thoughts take too much effort and wear you out with their philosophical nature, so you return to what you are familiar with and ask the woman next to you where they got those darling shoes, and aren’t they just gorgeous? Black shimmering straps and all; such an elegant image with those pink manicured toenails – she’ll go far in life. Maybe you’ll even pop some pills to help deny the fact that the people surrounding you are stuck on repeat – always echoing each other’s words, feeding off each other for approval and to suss out what the new fad of the week is.
That scares me shitless.” |
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| a menage of thoughts |
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| 04:53pm 10/05/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative music: the pixies - cactus
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I hate the stereotype that artists are frivolous, but sometimes I feel like I’m living it.
When I hold his hand it is like slipping on a silk glove. It fits perfectly.
Pet peeve of the day:
When people walk by at a rapid pace, barely make eye contact, and then greet you with “hey, what’s going on, how are you?” as if they expect an answer shouted at their retreating back as they scurry away. I mean what the fuck.
Favorite things:
Sticking my head out the window and feeling the wind blow my hair back while driving around – especially in the hills near Tilden w/the view of the bay, or looking back at the hills in San Francisco. (and probably looking like a wind-blown poodle or sheepdog. But eh, who cares)
Listening to the wind roar outside my window while I’m wrapped up in blankets sipping hot tea with my suitemates.
Screaming along to Bohemian Rapshody at the top of my lungs with Oliver and Aaron, then head-banging and nearly crashing Aaron's shitty car.
Reversing the truck into a view pull-out on Grizzly Peak with the back open, laying on a bean bag side by side, knitting, reading, chatting, and looking at the bay. It felt like we were an old married couple lying in bed.
Ripping two pairs of pants while climbing up rocks / down the dock at Jack London Square. Now I need to buy more jeans. Shi-ite.
Randomly getting fresh-picked flowers from my chicken. Today it was blue loopin. |
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| 12:33am 10/05/2004 |
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A simple sigh.
Like the sound of wind brushing past a willow tree
Animating, rustling the limp leaves
What does it mean?
Contentment; are the leaves dancing in the wind?
Encumbrance; are the drooping boughs laden with a burden?
Frustration; is the breeze too quiet, too softly nudging the delicate leaves?
perhaps they are waiting for a storm, a stronger gale?
Longing; are the branches stretching out to some unseen horizon?
Sometimes the sigh is inscrutable, undecipherable
But its effect upon me remains the same.
It never fails to stir something within me
The desire to explore places I’ve never been before, perhaps.
But who knows which way the wind will blow.
Only time will tell.
Hopefully the wind blows strong.
Hopefully it is fierce. |
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| i feel so sappy, it's disgusting. |
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| 01:11pm 07/05/2004 |
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man...this week has been...turbulent? inside my mind, anyway. yeah i was drunk before 6 pm yesterday - i had a little help mind you, but still, it was bad. but i love the fact that just simply spending one day and night with oliver can erase all that from my mind. today i woke up in his arms and there was not a trace of the melancholy i felt the day before. it's been a good day so far.
hehe, speaking of monsieur olivier, i just got back from the library with him. not studying, mind you. he took his shirt off, put my jacket on, got out his rape whistle (don't ask...), and ran around the reading rooms blowing the whistle and jumping around. people had all sorts of reactions, especially the staff. i got some pics...great stuff. you never know what's gonna happen when he's around, i love it. he got hassled at the exit and they tried to hold him back, but we made it out in one piece. next it's a bull horn and no clothes.
isn't it great being in love? honestly, i've never been so happy in my life. i've never known any feeling like this. every time i think of him i catch myself with a big beaming smile on my face, and it's great. we can just look at eachother sometimes and know what's going on, just start laughing. that's a great connection to have with somebody. and even the hard times are good, in whatever way they can be. just to talk, to cry, to hold each other, whatever is needed, he's always the best one to go to. it's amazing how much i respect him, he's so intelligent, funny, wise, sensitive, adventurous, crazy, quirky, arty, sexy...but even though he fits perfectly with all the preconceptions i've had of the 'perfect' guy (if you will), it's the ways he doesn't fit that are the best, the dearest, i suppose - what makes it special and not just some formula. which i don't think he could ever possibly be anyway - i've honestly never met anyone so unique.
ok, i'm gonna stop this and i'm off to take a shower since i haven't in two days and it's boiling hot out here. then i'm gonna pick up my pottery/sculpture at the studio, then i'm doing nothing!! woohoo |
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| 08:36am 25/02/2004 |
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Oh my god I'm seeing Bowie again. In the Berkeley Community theatre, which is on a high school campus and only holds about 200 people, and we got in the front row! It's in two months, in the middle of April. Holy shit. My dad rules.
Watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with Mike, Aaron, and Cynthia yesterday - had a little smoke before hand and the movie was the funniest thing I'd seen in my life. That's one crazy and disturbing film. Show tonight in SF, party tomorrow with Oliver in SF, and clubbing on sat. night in SF. Wheee
Not to mention my three papers, one midterm, the official start of the French club, and one presentation due next week. |
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| rambling |
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| 02:15pm 20/02/2004 |
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mood:  touched music: alanis morissette (reminds me of graduation...)
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So last night I was watching Rocky Horror Picture Show with Aaron at 1:30 in the morning, my room door is open (I can see out into a courtyard) and suddenly there's a knock on the outside door. My roommate is in the common room studying, so she answers and after a few minutes she walks into my room carrying a bunch of freshly picked flowers in a glass 'vase' with a ribbon tied around them and a card with my name on it.
How romantic is that!? I've never been given flowers by a guy before! Oliver dropped them off at my door. Sweetest thing ever - they were nicely arranged too, very pretty colors. He knew I'd had a really stressful day too, but that made it. Another idea of his was to go up the Campanile (a big bell tower in the middle of campus) and look at the view of the bay. It was windy, but it was really nice with just the two of us up there looking out over everything and pointing things out.
We saw 21 Grams the other day too, not having the slightest idea of what it was about. Fucking depressing movie. Man, what a downer. Next time - Lost in Translation. Just a heads up - not a good 'first date-ish' movie...
We went sailing on the bay last week too, man that was sooo much fun - more than I've had in a long time. I really miss doing outdoorsy sorts of things. I steered for about two hours and helped with the ropes. It was full on sailing too - we tipped until you could see the bottom of the boat! It was great leaning over the side feeling the wind in my face...I felt like I was flying.
Oh, good memories. Ok, gotta go pick up my laundry now. Shit, I hope I didn't shrink anything. |
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| 07:19pm 12/02/2004 |
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ooh wow, i havent felt this giddy in a long time! butterflies!
hmm, just in time for valentine's...muahaha. nah, i hate valentine's day. damn card/chocolate companies.
ok, ciao!! i'm off to "knit" with oliver soon. how cute. he has a sweater for me if it'll fit. |
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| DAVID BOWIE |
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| 11:24am 01/02/2004 |
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mood:  enthralled music: memories from last night
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Sooooo, I saw David Bowie last night and it may just be the BEST concert I've been to EVER!! First of all, it's been my dream to see him live for years, second of all, damn is he still hot as ever and wearing tight pants and shirt with gorgeous hair, thirdly his voice is absolutely amazing - you really can't appreciate it fully until you hear him live.
Set list:
Rebel Rebel, Fame, Ashes to Ashes, All the Young Dudes, Under Pressure, Life on Mars, China Girl, Suffragette City, Five Years, I'm Afraid of Americans, Hang on to Yourself, Heroes, Be My Wife, an instrumental from Low, a bunch of new songs (very dark), and the clincher: ZIGGY STARDUST!! He did a few covers too: White Light (Velvet Underground) and Cactus (Pixies), both of which were awesome.
Oh my, just with the setlist I nearly wet myself. Now, the other exciting part:
Ok, so we got our tickets with a broker ages ago but when we sat down in our seats some people came and said we had taken their seats. We both had the exact same tickets. How does this happen? Apparently our tickets had been reported stolen by the agency, so we had trouble with the manager and security and they kicked us out of our seats. Now we could either go home (after months of waiting and excitement and me flying home just to go), or buy new tickets. We chose the second option. So...our new seats were even better, half the price (we got ripped off earlier), and 20th row in dead center. If that wasn't exciting enough, this was our company:
So I sit down, start talking and realize that the couple sitting right next to me is HEATH LEDGER and Naomi Watts! Then, like five minutes later, DAVID SPADE walks in and sits directly in front of me!! And if I hadn't shat my pants by then, fucking SLASH from Guns'n'Roses sits in the row in front of me to my right!!!!!! AAARRGHHH! I was feeling very starstruck, and very unaccomplished. Of course, there's absolutely NO food or drink allowed in the theatre, right, so all the stars are eating chips, smoking cigs, and drinking Jack Daniels. Fuck that, it's like a completely different world. And some publicity guy came up to Heath Ledger with the set list, so I found out what some of the songs were gonna be before the show started. And I talked to David Spade for a little bit!! Well, I asked him a question...but he's really friendly. Of course there were a ton of groupies around too...
So that was my night. I'd say it definitely wasn't a let down. And probably the best birthday present I've ever had. |
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| depressed, excited, hopeful, and relieved all in one. |
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| 10:37pm 25/01/2004 |
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i find myself short of words because so many indescribable things have happened this past week. i'm exhausted, emotionally drained, and still very confused. and this was all my decision. hmmm. i decided to break things off with kenny for many reasons that i'd rather not talk about right now because it's still very fresh on the mind. i'm just not there in my life right now, and i really need to be alone for a while to figure out what i'm doing, where i'm going, focus on college life, be stupid, and just be one of the girls again and have good ol' fashioned fun.
so...yeah. i feel pretty numb still right now. i'm fine when i'm busy and surrounded by friends and people, but today/this weekend was the first time i really had alone/down time and everything just hit me. ick.
ok, back to the golden globes. johnny depp is hot. i love johnny depp.
AND I'M SEEING DAVID BOWIE NEXT WEEKEND!!! HOLY FUCK, SOOOO EXCITED!! heehee, giddyness. |
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| AAARRRGGGH! |
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| 04:07pm 24/11/2003 |
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Whoaaa, best weekend ever. Yep yep we camped out in a tent and it was 25 degrees outside in Napa...but we managed to keep things hot, if ya know what i mean. wink
And now! best night ever!! HOLY SHIT I'M SEEING PLACEBO TONIGHT!!!!
I'm a virgin of sorts tonight - I've been waiting four years for this!
Wheeeeee, giddyness. Today has already been a good day, now it's only getting better as the hours tick by. |
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| woo woo woo, hey hey hey. |
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| 10:25pm 29/10/2003 |
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how cute, today i got two lovely home-made birthday cards. you know who you are!! hehe thanks, they made my day, really. that and the band playing outside the student union this afternoon - they were a bunch of little old men playing tunes from the twenties. they were great! a nice crowd gathered, so kathleen and i watched for a few minutes. man, there was even a banjo - how cool.
wheee, by the way rachel, the fabrics are marvelous, i like the plain black and the pink with white polka-dots! hehe
all righty, now it's time to write my 6 page paper! whoa, what a fun life i'm leading right now!! but it's about wordsworth, who i love, so it'll be a good one. ok i'm listening to simon and garfunkel to set the mood now, ciao! |
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| once in your life you find it |
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| 03:40pm 23/10/2003 |
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eeep! friends, family, and birthdays are coming up this weekend! i've worked sooo damn hard this week just so i wouldn't have anything to do this weekend, and i actually did everything. wow. last night i was at some girl's appartment till one in the morning analyzing wordsworth, so i'm kinda exhausted. then i had a 15 minute walk through downtown berkeley until i got to campus...freaky. passed many bums and many drug dealers on telegraph. a little trip to the i-house may be on the list tonight? but who knows...
ok, i'm gonna watch a movie now. i didn't go to french today, but i have an art class today from 7-9. figure in clay. but it might be cancelled because as of now there are only three enrolled!! i was looking forward to this too, damn it. i hope it'll go through, i'd get really good instruction anyway!
::sigh:: i miss you. |
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| 03:47pm 20/10/2003 |
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quick recap: the fleetwood mac show was utterly amazing!! man, they can still rock out even after all these years. i didn't know what to expect, but it was better than anything i could've imagined. they have sooo much more drive when you hear them live, and stevie nicks' voice is really powerful. lindsay buckingham is insane, and mick fleetwood is the funniest person ever! he seriously made the show for me, yelling at the audience. oh man...good memories.
they played all their old songs that i love, the ENTIRE rumours album (my favorite), and landslide. plus, my parents got along with kenny well, i think they finally understand what this is all about and it was sooo worth the wait.
good times in a few days, and then i'm off to san fran!! man, i'll finally be of age soon...and everything i do already will be legal. nice. well...not everything i suppose.
all midterms are over, and i aced all of 'em. so happy! i really like college life, i think it's an easier adjustment than i anticipated. have to start thinking about classes for next semester now. |
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| ::sigh:: |
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| 09:27am 13/10/2003 |
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mood:  giggly music: the cars - just what i needed
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tee hee, problems solved and back on track. the air is clear, i've let everything off my chest, and now i feel full again. i was being weighed down by things i needed to say (or shout)and now that i/we have, it's all good. in fact, its even better than before. aaron so called it. damn him. now i have to fail my english midterm. (it was either the exam or my relationship...)
fleetwood mac tonight (yikes!!!) and back to berkeley tomorrow morning. i'm glad, i'm happy there. i've been waiting six years to move back up north, and finally i'm there!! i think i'll be in that area for a long time.
holy shit. i just got the BEST 18th birthday present EVER! i'm going to england THIS SUMMER by myself to visit my entire family who i haven't seen for years!!!! that makes me sooooo happy nobody has ANY idea how much i need to do that, see england again, and get to know my family by myself. then my mom is coming to meet me in liverpool, we're seeing her side of the family, and then going to the south of france. cannes, nice, and the french riviera. AND! the year after that, i'm doing a grand tour of europe by myself. my grandad has two savings bonds for me in england, which are equivalent to around 4000 us dollars. and i'm going to work as much as i can to get extra spending/traveling/hotel money. the flight to london is only 400 dollars round trip, and i'll get a student rail pass since i'm a british citizen, so it's much cheaper. plus i know people in england and ireland, so free room and board! england, scotland, ireland, and italy, here i come!!
man, life is great. |
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| we're in the shitter now guys |
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| 10:36pm 07/10/2003 |
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i have no faith in humanity. i can't believe arnold won the fucking election.
at least i live in the only sane area of california. the bay area voted two to one against the recall, unlike ANY other city in the entire state of california.
too bad things are getting progressively worse every month. every day. this is turning into a reality tv show. well...turning, it has been for some time.
what an ass, arnold can't even speak the english language correctly. too bad he's the one who's against bilingual education. if you want everyone to speak perfect english, then start with yourself! motherfucker.
well, i'm going to put headphones on now. and leave them on for four years. |
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| luke: it was a peaceful vomiting session... |
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| 07:44pm 06/10/2003 |
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man, this has been a fun weekend. friday - concert with kenny, stayed in a hotel in concord. we went to the concord pavillion, which brought back loads of memories since i saw my first few concerts there when i used to live in walnut creek. so good times all around, even though we were freezing on the lawn. yes, not much sleep though...wink wink
then saturday, party at a co-op down the street. much fun!! it was an 80's night, so people dressed up and everybody danced all night. it was very sassy and even kenny came out on the dance floor for the whole night, it was great. saw this argentinan guy i met...he was on stage taking his clothes off, playing guitar. yeah, he's pretty fun to hang around with.
that was the coherent part of the night, but then everyone came back to my dorm and we broke out the cap'n and jagermeister. mmm mmm. let's just say the last things i remember was luke and kathleen looking at french tintin books on my floor, aaron getting really pissed off because i said i don't like red hair (he has bright red hair), falling over on the way to my cd player to put refused on, and spilling my rum and coke all over kenny. he was wearing his poncho, so as kathleen said "it must've smelled like wet llama". hahahahaha
and i go home this weekend. i'm actually pretty excited about that, it'll be nice to cuddle up at home eating good food for once. not to mention fleetwood mac on monday night!! aaargh! and seeing rachel! eeep! and now...back to work. i have loads of reading, but surprisingly i've stayed on top of things, so it's really not bad at all. i like all my classes too, they're really interesting, so that helps a ton. next month we're taking a trip to the sf southeast asian museum for my art history seminar (only 6 people), and we get to see all the back rooms/storage rooms that the public can't access. so it should be interesting i think.
right, now i'm seriously going back to work.
ciao!! |
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